Is Praising Our Kids Hindering Their Future Success?
Is telling our kids good job hurting them?
What the heck? Could this article be true?
We love that this parenting article was sent to us by an Ask The Family Experts viewer and as the Honest Moms of course we were excited to talk about this often taboo topic in parenting. We all read the pregnancy books about how to nurture a newborn, but by the time the baby comes and we are up to our ears in diapers, laundry and dishes, we often are short on time to do that same research on parenting tactics to handle the tantrums, the power struggle, the whining! If you want to help nurture your kids talents you are in the right place with ihelpmoms.com Ask The Experts Show! If you want to have MORE fun in your household, welcome to ihelpmoms.com! And if you want to guide your kids to experience fulfillment in life without being a helicopter parent, read on!
Below you will find the 3 questions I had for our therapist Marcela on whether complimenting and praising our kids is actually setting them up for failure.
1. Why is it dangerous to tell our kids good job?
I think it is a good practice to sometimes focus on their effort more than focusing on labels. Instead of you are so smart, you are a genius, you can say I love how you figured this out. It takes the pressure off of them so they can be who they want to be. We are wired to seek freedom, I see this in my practice, people can rebel against beautiful innate qualities that they process because they refuse to be loved conditionally. Children want to know: will you love me no matter what.
**Take time today to be mindful to not just default to saying good job. It is the easy way out. Think about ways to recognize your child’s effort and focus.
This is one of my ALL time favorite resources from Help Me Alison an ihelpmoms.com therapist that can come INTO your home to create a customized plan to help you with your kids to create a more peaceful home.
2. Why does recognizing the EFFORT matter? What does the research show?
The article that we are referencing that in New York city a group of children were given a series of puzzles. Half were told “you must be smart” The other half were praised for their effort “You must have worked really hard”.
When given a choice between an easy or more difficult test the second time around, the children who had been told they were smart wimped-out, picking the easier test. The children praised for trying were up to the challenge of something harder.
Then, in a difficult third round of tests, all the children failed. The ‘effort’ children felt they could do better; they enjoyed the challenge and wanted to try again. They continued to show tenacity, perseverance, and improvement. The ‘smart’ kids seemed totally defeated and threw in the towel.
“When given a choice between an easy or more difficult test the second time around, the children who had been told they were smart wimped-out, picking the easier test. The children praised for trying were up to the challenge of something harder.
Then, in a difficult third round of tests, all the children failed. The ‘effort’ children felt they could do better; they enjoyed the challenge and wanted to try again. They continued to show tenacity, perseverance, and improvement. The ‘smart’ kids seemed totally defeated and threw in the towel.” From: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/03/praising-children-risking-failure/
It is so interesting as a parent when we begin to be mindful of what a gift our children are and that TODAY is a new day to look at how we are nurturing our kids through our words and actions. Make SURE to check out our ihelpmoms.com Family Therapists as they can provide invaluable insight to make parenting much easier with simple tips live, in person or over Skype!
**While reading up on the latest findings can be enlightening, do not let yourself get caught up that you are parenting all wrong. We encourage you to be an intuitive parent and let yourself gravitate naturally toward the needs of each child. I promise you, how you treat each child will be different because their needs and wants are all different.
3. How does our nurturing as parents help our children build self confidence FROM BIRTH!?
From the moment they are conceived, your bond begins. When they are born, what we say plays a big role in that inner voice our kids are developing. Many experts say first 7 years of development are when we lay the foundation for our kids. It is a maximum developmental sweet spot. The best thing you could do, is do your best to figure out how to love this time in their lives. When we operate from a place of love and joy you are intuitively on your best path. When you are parenting from a place of fear and worry you will run into things that confirm those feelings. While the research can be useful, it is your intuition as a mom that is your most powerful tool. Connecting with that and enjoying motherhood will be the greatest gift you can give yourself and your kids.
The key takeaway from today’s show: Click here to see the FULL episode https://www.facebook.com/ihelpmoms/videos/1612460765517205/
The ability for our kids to persevere through frustration, and to be recognized for their effort is the true path to nurturing our kids to self-confidence and guiding them to reach their innate potential. Make sure to read this amazing quote provided by Help Me Alison below!
Tune in next week for our Monday Ask The Experts Show and if you have a question or topic make sure to message us at www.facebook.com/ihelpmoms