How To Boost Desire In Your Relationship After Having Kids

How To Boost Desire In Your Relationship After Having Kids

What is desire?  

  • First, we have to distinguish the difference between desire and arousal: 
      • Desire is our libido, our sex drive, our mental and emotional “wanting” of sex, “being in the mood”
      • Arousal is the way our body physically responds to sex (i.e. our physiological response)

Many people lump these two experiences together, although they are two separate parts of our sexual response cycle.      

There are two different types of desire: Spontaneous and Responsive 

      • Spontaneous desire occurs when mentally and emotionally you want sex before getting physically aroused; Sex is something that is thought of often and in different situations; This is typically the person that initiates sex more in the relationship; Research shows that men tend to have a more spontaneous sex drive than women.
      • Responsive desire occurs after being physically aroused, often while in the midst of a sexual experience; Sex is not thought about often, but is enjoyed when it does happen; This person typically does not initiate sex and tends to want sex less often; Research shows that women tend to have a more responsive libido than men.  
      • Keep in mind that neither are “better,” they are just different.   

Factors that Affect Sex Drive:  

  • Stress is the number one killer of libido!
  • Libido can also be significantly affected by medications, depression, energy/lack of sleep, lack of time, environment, fear, self-esteem, and everyday distractions.   
  • Desire for women is influenced and enhanced by: trust, communication, respect, admiration, affection and touch… Women do not like to feel used or objectified.    

Application for Moms:)

  • Know what type of desire you and your partner typically have: Spontaneous or Responsive; Are they the same or different? This can help you adjust your perspective of your partners needs, and make the physical adjustments as needed… Can work as a team – Spontaneous partner can practice patience and focus on taking the time to help partner get physically aroused; Responsive partner can be more open to physical intimacy knowing that desire will come with the experience.  
  • Foreplay – Take your time without any demands or expectations! Enjoy each others company, enjoy the moment; Play, explore, experiment; Problem with word is that it implies something needs to happen after – If you focus on pleasure vs outcome, experience more desire.  
  • Set the mood – Make it a point to create a special moment to connect. Can send each other sexy text messages throughout the day. Can have a sort of ritual to establish a state of intimacy (candles, music, lighting, lingerie, etc).   
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