How is our Sexual Energy Impacted/Effected by Children?
Motherhood is the best and most important job we will ever do, however, being a “caregiver” is on the opposite end of the spectrum from a sexual being… Children require and rely on consistency and repetition, while our sexual selves often require novelty, mystery, adventure and the unknown.
Here are some red flags for moms that may feel distant from their partner, or disconnected from the love of their life, their other half, their soul mate once they become parents…
The problem is not just that our focus and attention shifts to our to children… it also involves the way in which our physical and emotional needs are being met by the children, and biologically no longer “need” love and affection from partner.
Novelty, adventure, love, touch all received from interactions with children, which creates a gap between partners… Children getting all the lively energy (which is normal), but at some point (typically when child reaches 12 to 18 months), we nee need to redirect/transition energy back to couple/partner!!
If you have heard yourself or friends say “my partner and I grew apart” or “we are not attracted to each other any more” here are some keys to remember. Although not always easy to hear, if you want a thriving, vibrant, fulfilling relationship they are important to remember.
– Society tells us to pour everything into our children, but child centric living is not sustainable!
– Again, must make relationship (connection to partner) a priority.
– Not just a problem of individual or couple’s needs, also feeds into needs of children… Couple’s happiness leads to sustainable and happy family… “If all you do is preserve the family and let the couple go, ultimately there will not be a family.” (Perel)
– If children know that their parents have a connection, it fosters their emotional development – not only by modeling love and a healthy relationship, but also helps them understand that their parents have each other for love, support and connection, which frees them up to live their own life later on, and not feel obligated to fill parents emotional void.
Strategies For Moms and Parents to Implement For a FUN, FULFILLING Relationship:
– Engage in new and different experiences with partner – In the same way you find new and different activities and events for children, apply same motivation to new and different experiences with partner; helps keep passion alive.
– Create a space to just be with partner and enjoy each other’s company –Remember connection = intimacy, does not necessarily have to be sex; creating that space opens the door for deeper intimacy later on.
– Distribution or redistribution of roles – One parent rooted in family needs and caregiving, and other parent rooted in couple’s needs in reserving/ preserving couple’s aliveness… These differences must be celebrated, not scorned, as both are necessary within family system/functioning… May also be helpful for “caregiving” parent to organize childcare on date nights, while other parents arranges plan for date.
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