Dealing With A Loss

Dealing With A Loss

There are so many of us that have struggled with loss and our voices were never heard. We suffered in silence and dealt with our feelings alone. One of our brave mothers has documented her experience to share with others with the hopes of letting women know they are not alone. We applaud her bravery and admire her strength to help other women suffering.

The words an expectant mother never wants to hear following her ultrasound, “There are some abnormalities.” “There’s nothing we can do from here.” My Obstetrician was on a constant repeat of I am so incredibly sorry. I just kept looking at the ultrasounds, at my little bump and then at her. Tears not even running, but pouring down my face. The day of my 13 week ultrasound where, in most pregnancies you are considered “safe” ended up being one of the hardest days of my life. My ultrasound started off normal, measurements and then I even got to see the baby in 3D for a minute. I thought it was cool because we had multiple level 2 ultrasounds with Harper because her heart rate and oxygen levels were always a little off and I had a lot of unexplained bleeding while I was pregnant with her but, I’d never seen an actual tiny face you could clearly make out. That day I did. I saw a little face with two tiny hands tucked up underneath his chin. You’d never expect your just over 3 month old fetus to have such detailed little features. As amazing as that extra ultrasound was, my ultrasound tech had the worst look on her face. Concerned, mostly maybe confused. I’m not entirely sure because at this point I knew something was wrong and I was trying to keep myself as calm as I possibly could until I knew what was happening. After my ultrasound I went into an exam room with my OB. I had a strip of pictures in my hand that I was staring at until she walked in. That’s when she said to me, “So the ultrasound tech is concerned about the amount of fluid she’s seeing on major parts of the baby’s body.”  They sent my ultrasounds immediately to Tufts Hospital, where I had most of my ultrasounds done with Harper. I trust them tremendously.  I waited a little while for them to confirm or not confirm what the ultrasound tech says she saw. About 20 minutes later my Doctor walked in, she repeated what she said before.. I heard a few more words and then heard things like “Were not sure when you will miscarry, we feel it might be safe to go ahead and surgically remove the pregnancy.” My baby’s heart rate was very low, he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. They also told me I could very well carry to term depending on how the fluid progressed but, I will either end up with a stillborn baby or we would be dealing with losing our newborn.  After them saying that my husband and I knew what we needed to do. It is never an easy decision to make especially when it comes to your child. I had repeatedly thought about how much of a great big sister Harper would have been. How happy our families would be. At the same time that I wanted to be selfish and see what happened, I also know that if I’m as much of an emotional mess now losing my child at 13 weeks.. what would I have been if we made it past 20, 25, 30, 34+ weeks? Mentally I would not come back from it. My husband and our daughter need me here and present. I know I would have been broken. More broken than I am now.  So at 13 weeks 4 days, we scheduled what is called a medically necessary dilation and evacuation.
March 30th is a day that I’m sure if you asked me 5 years from now how it went, I’d be able to tell you every detail start to finish. Any other day, probably not. This was the day we said goodbye to our baby. A day I will always want to forget but never will. I could tell you every detail about the waiting room, the room I was in. Every doctor and nurse I dealt with. Every single thing that I want to forget , but I never ever will.

The first week home was incredibly rough. I felt empty, like I was missing something and I was. Coming home from the procedure feeling like the worst person in the world. I felt awful, I couldn’t do anything for myself or for Harper. No driving, no lifting over 5 pounds, couldn’t be on my feet longer than 5-10 minutes at a time.  My wonderful beyond words husband took over. Asking me at every point he could if I was okay, if I needed anything. He didn’t hesitate to get right up when Harper needed anything, same for me. If I needed to sit and just cry, he listened. His support is what got me through this without a doubt. I was just a mess, I still am. I don’t think I will ever fully be over this awful situation. It’s not fair. Why did this happen to us. I look at Harper and just cry. I try as hard as I can to keep myself together around her. She’s 4, and she is the happiest kid ever. I want her to stay that way for as long as possible, it’s just so hard to look at her being my child and not think about the one that we lost.

After this happening, I don’t know that we will have more kids. As it turns out this was just “a random medical condition” called Hydrops Fetalis. Its a disorder that attacks the red blood cells and creates fluid pockets in 2 or more areas. The biggest concern was that it was genetic. That this would happen again if we tried to have another baby. It’s a relief to know that it’s not genetic and that it wasn’t us that caused this. It’s still an incredibly heartbreaking situation, but it makes it slightly easier to know that we could potentially try again in the future and have a healthy baby. It’s still terrifying to think that I made it passed the “safe” point and still lost my baby.  So as far as having more of our own kids, we still are incredibly on the fence.

We’ve talked a lot about adoption. My husband and I would both love to do that. Harper should know what it’s like to have siblings, blood or not we would still love them the same. I am 1 of 5 and my husband is 1 of 3, we’d love for Harper to experience what we experienced growing up. She has so much to offer and I know she would make a great sister however we decide to expand our family in the future.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who reached out with my original post. The people who encouraged me to blog this. It made me feel so much relief to type this out and get my feelings down. The amount of messages I received from my sweet blog friends and close friends has been so overwhelming but in the best way. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys. Thank you for reading, Thank you for supporting. You guys are amazing.
-xo M.


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