What's the Best Way to Move on After a Disagreement
Lisa Hawkins | Dec 12, 2022
We’ve all experienced a time when we’ve had a disagreement with our partner. This time of year, they happen because of stress. How do you handle the holiday stress?
How do you handle things after the disagreement? This is a crucial point in how things transpire. Often, if we’ve apologized and talked it out, there is affection and connection. Reconnection is important.
However, there is a tiny bit of space where we have the option to review it and make a commitment to work on things consciously. Snuggles, cuddles, and affection are great, but if the action doesn’t happen, then it will likely not register in the brain to make a shift.
Part of being in a conscious relationship is making sure that each partner is on the same page moving forward, and if not, discuss it more.
Hurrying up to get affectionate or to get away from the discomfort isn’t necessarily productive. Watch to see if the desire to kiss and make up is to hurry up the process and get back to the comfortable stuff.
This takes time to get in the habit of finishing the disagreement with mindfulness practice. Maybe that might be, let’s check in with each other in a few days and see how we both are feeling.
“I’m sorry and I won’t do it again” sounds great, but it has to be a conscious practice to notice if you are doing it again and catch yourself.
Apologies are great if they are authentic and come with a humble desire to really understand and make shifts until resolved.
Taking the time, and the amount of time that is needed is important to really resolve the issue. If not, then when it shows up again, understand that possibly you didn’t do a thorough enough investigation and it might be helpful to do it again.
Our brains are wired to avoid conflict to avoid pain. It seeks homeostasis and sometimes that desire to get back to comfort can actually sabotage our relationships.
I’ve often heard from men that “they’ve talked enough”, it needs to be put to rest. Upset that their partner won’t let it go. Women might do this too. Remember, it needs to be discussed and resolved without a timer. Walking out of the room or leaving because you’ve heard enough can feel dismissive. Try to let the person know you will come back once you cool down. However, you have to come back in a timely manner for this to work. Often, it’s easier to not want to face it again. So we just go on about our daily life.
After you have come to a resolution, then talk a bit before the makeup sex (or after, if that works for you) to really nail down the intentions. Make sure you are on the same page. There is a plan.
I know it doesn’t sound romantic! It kind of kills the moment. If you get used to it, it can turn into a turn-on. You might find that resolve is hot! Certainly, you will eventually have that as your comfort zone.
I interviewed many people to find out what their best tips were for moving on from a disagreement. I heard a multitude of answers.
Some use prayer or meditation after the disagreement. Some had makeup sex. Others cooked together. There were a few that made a conscious commitment to do it differently, moving forward.
Everyone has their preferences on how to reconnect after a disagreement and if it works for you, then that’s wonderful! Do that. If you find that days later you are feeling it wasn’t completely resolved and eventually it shows up again, add in a bit of time to consciously plan on how to avoid it in the future. Eye contact is a great way to do this. Notice if eye contact is something you avoid. Investigate that.
For example; “I’ll pause next time and take a deep breath and allow you to finish your sentences. If I don’t, I would like you to gently remind me of our agreement so that I can continue to practice."
It might sound silly, but you can have a hand gesture or a secret word to use so that your partner knows when they are overpowering the conversation. That little bit of effort if used wholeheartedly, can shift your relationship quickly.
There is this misunderstanding that disagreements are hard. Therefore, we subconsciously avoid them. We can easily just brush it off because we are so caught up in the holiday season.
However, when we take steps to make it easier, we’ll find that we begin to stop avoiding them as much. Our relationship starts to flow. It builds confidence in each other and deepens the relationship.
If you’d like more information on my work go to my website and sign up for my weekly newsletters.
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