Love to Hate Tinder, the Online Dating App?
Lisa Hawkins | Nov 14, 2022
The truth is before dating apps clubs and bars were the scene. Lots of men want hookups. Turning men down in clubs and bars got to be exhausting for me. Some even acted inappropriately. All in all, it just wasn’t a good place for me to find compatibility. It was a place to have fun. I had to learn to stop hoping he would show up in those places. Tinder can be the same. There are lots of frogs you have to go through to get a prince.
However, I have spoken to some women who have found a long-term partner on Tinder. Has it lasted, I don’t know. I know it ended up in marriage. That is rare.
There are many things at play when dating either online or in person. One is your picker. The second is the subconscious magnet attracting men you will need to heal your wounds with, and the only way to take care of that is to heal your past on your own.
Esther Perel says we heal by being in relationships. I find that’s true as well. It’s a balance between being single and alone for a while to heal and also being in a relationship that will bring things to the surface.
The third thing is chance. That has many variables at play. Timing is important, as are age, features, commonalities, and taste.
What many women do is swipe right on the guys based on factors that have nothing to do with compatibility. Since Tinder doesn’t have much in the way of details, you basically go by how you feel, what you see, and your immediate physical reaction. Many are looking for their Ten. They do not know that dating your ten usually results in an imbalance of compatibility.
The short answer is that a lot of it is you and your requirements and some of it is his requirements and the rest is chance. You can’t make yourself into someone you are not. At least I hope you do not.
In my coaching, we go over the reasons women choose the men they choose or why they allow themselves to be chosen without really putting any critical thinking into the process. Many women go off chemistry. That’s another article.
Usually, you’ll find that what you think you want isn’t what you really want. The only thing you can do is be your authentic self and know what your truest desires are for a lasting relationship. Navigate from those.
If looks are a top priority, I can tell you, you might get that man, but you also might get all that comes with dating someone because of their looks.
We go over the ways you get caught up in what are true red flags, and what are true green flags. We discuss how you have overlooked them in the past.
Tinder is just an app. It does what it was designed to do. Quickly match someone based on a little information and a profile pic. The rest is up to you.
Tinder is going to have men on it that want fast results. It’s going to have men that are catfishing, posting pics from 20 years ago, and those only looking for sex. However, it opens up the playing field and you have broader options. The problem with an entire store full of candy is sorting through it all to find which candy you like the best.
If you want a great man that is loyal, loving, emotionally available, and emotionally mature then put that on your top priorities and learn how to sort through the men that are not that and be strong enough to move on if the signs show up no matter how attractive or well off they are.
Inside most women’s minds is the “what if he changes”. Which is a terrible mindset to carry around because men do not want to be changed. If they change it has to be of their own volition. Women waste a lot of energy and time trying to or waiting for men to change or grow.
Use Tinder. Just use it for what it is. Don’t have expectations, it is something it isn’t. There is no magic genie inside of it going to send you only quality men. Those quality men just might be the ones you swiped left on.
What is beneficial is to have an open mind about it, a deal breaker list, and an attribute list. Stick to it. Often times when we meet a man we have chemistry with, that list goes out the window. At the very least we might bend it a little bit. This is how toxic relationships begin. Stick with the qualities that are the most important to you.
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